Embracing the inner clown

Clown is a very distinctive theatre style, which proposes a certain aperture from within the actor, letting the audience inside the actor's mind in a fun and rather childish way. And this past weeks, we have been working towards training ourselves in the clown style, in order to use it for the One Act Play.

At first, i was not very fond of the idea of exploring clown style, and i thought we were wasting the opportunity to do something meaningful as our last play. But i guess i found myself being wrong, since this is the only style that can actually let me say one last goodbye to the stage at school.
I guess, when we first started working on clown, i was sort of thrilled by it, i felt myself being a child once again, and i even got to forget the fact that i was supposed to be acting on stage. I was just being careless and childish once again, playing around the stage along the various exercises we did. But i think that is the point right? To embrace the inner child and let it come out to play, to forget about everything else and live in the now.
I think that one of the things that i found very difficult was to be completly honest, and forget about acting and concentrate on being yourself. As a very introverted person, someone who does not show his emotions very often, then it became a bit strange for me to be myself on stage, and let all of my emotions be true and honest. I think that although it may sound incredibly easy, it might as well be the most difficult part of the clown style. As someone who acts to hide himself, it became difficult to show himself and be honest in front of the audience.
I really liked the exercise were we had to walk in a circle and then say "my name is __ and the world is round", and do it as many times as possible until there was nothing but full honesty. I couldn't really tell the difference to when i was acting and when i was not, until i felt myself get loose after several tries.
Another thing i really enjoyed was the constant space for improvisation. There were several moments in which there was a huge awkward silence, and everyone was staring right at you. Personally i felt very uncomfortable, and it made me uneasy to think that they were judging me. But i guess that's when the clown has space to actually embrace his surroundings and play with it in the most creative ways. I tried to fill the void with a few ideas, but sometimes, when there were more than two of us on stage, there were too many ideas thrown to fill the gap, and it became rather confusing and disorganized.
I think, whilst exploring the clown, i began to discover several things about myself, and it sort of freaked me out. I became scared to know that i was showing these traits and emotions i tend to hide, on stage. But i feel like there is no better way to end this journey than to be true to myself.

I think the main ideas i learned from this clown experience are the rules of clowning, and how they change you.
To be aware of the surroundings brings that inner curiousity out to play, and leaves space for creativity. In theatre it is necesary to know what your surrounding looks like, in order to use it in your performance, as well as helping to be able to come up with something when in need to improvise. Furthermore, in life, it is important to be aware of what is around you, to know if it is something good or something bad for you, to be able to explore further away from your comfort zone.
Then, to live in the now, the present, creates a sense of importance to what you are currently doing, to live the performance and forget about the rest. I think that this idea is extremely important and equally applicable in both life and in theatre. To be able to live in the present, to forget and forgive, and not look forward, just stay in the now and enjoy. To be able to see yourself doing what you're doing and be able to enjoy every last bit of the performance. Personally, that is what i feel when im on stage, how everything that used to matter, does not anymore, and the only important thing is that im standing there, leaving everyone in awe. Thus, the clown must do the same, but take it one step further, and invite the audience to live with him in the moment. For them to forget their own problems and concentrate on the clown, to laugh and relieve and experience all of these emotions that the clown is feeling.
Also, the rule of staying positive and keep trying no matter what is an essential part of clowning, and being able to stay positive and honest. In life and in theatre as a whole, there are and will be millions of stepbacks and bumps, just like the few hundred ones we hit during our production of the play. But the clown teaches you to embrace these mistakes, shake them off and keep on moving forward as positive as possible. I think that through clowning, you actually get to experience all of your insecurities and mistakes all over again, but it tells you to leave them behind, and it makes you break past them. The satirical side of the clown, helps you look at all these problems from a different perspective, in order to laugh at them, invite the audience to laugh too, and cast them away.
I feel like there was no better style that we could've chosen for this last play altogether. In a way, we learned a lot about each other and ourselves, and let everyone inside our deepest side. At first, my clown used to be very sassy and rebellious, but i began to discover that he was that way in order to hide his insecurities, my insecurities. I guess that for the last time i get to be on stage with my ensemble, as a student, it is hard to say goodbye. But the clown helps you do it, as if a child was saying goodbye to his grandma or something. It helped every one of us, to laugh at it and see it as the last time we play together, rather than the sad reality. It helped us live through the production of the play, and most importantly through the performance. To stand and forget the rest, and just know that the other five are there with you no matter what. To live and enjoy every single moment. It may sound very cheesy, but the clown helped me say goodbye. Because, in any other case with a different tradition, i would have acted as usual and just left heart broken. But now, the clown lets me live every last moment, and lets me embrace with joy my insecurity, but most importantly, it lets me be the best side of me, the most positive and cheerful, and be leave with an honest goodbye. However, my question still remains unanswered, what happens next? What happens when the clown hiddes again, is it dormant until we wake him up to play again? Can he resurface anytime? And what happens if im unable to open up during the actual performance? During class and rehearsals its easy since im with people i trust and no audience, but what if i dont get to be as honest? Will i still be clowning if im not fully honest? Will i be able to say goodbye?